About Four

I stole a glance at 4 when I passed her desk in the hallway before the boss interview. That was my very first impression on her. She looked dark and unfathomable. Her eyebrows are locked with worry or suspicions or I know not what. She looks unpleasant or serious to me. There were many VHS tapes piling on her desk like a fragile collapsible wall enveloping her from all sides. She is rather thin, or perhaps her face is kind of elongated and dark in complexion.

I forgot how we began our first conversation. I observed that 4 is sensible and mature but reserved. Perhaps she needs some time to observe a newcomer like me. I once asked S about 4 cos I just need some quick summary of someone’s personality. S said 4 is hard-working and reliable etc. That is almost more than enough for me to know about a co-worker.

When we talked about books, 4 is electrified and animated. She is charged with spirit, screaming or yelling to express her inner excitement. I enjoy our conversation a lot. It is carefree, direct and honest. And of course, basically we both are expressive and idealists. We come from the world of books; we share the visions we see from it. We get our joy from it. We identify ourselves with it. And perhaps that is also our unfortunate destiny. It restricts our realm, maybe. At least I knew she is someone I can count on to talk about books, art, movie, ideals and something deeper and directly to the soul. I cannot deny that I am in fact quite difficult and have a very “marginalized” taste. At my age, I know what I hate and I don’t want to waste my time. There is no time for trash now. Yes. I hate trash.

I remember I once asked a well-groomed middle management colleague about books. “Did you read some nice stuff lately?” I asked. I didn’t expect much from this English major but still her answer gave me an anti-climax. “Do you count Next Magazine?” She rejoined. I could tell she was not joking. It is funny and not funny at the same time. Oh my Oh. What can I say? My eyes are flashed with a glimpse of horror and distaste. This is Hong Kong. All this bunch of so-called high-flyers teaches me nothing but give up. My heart can’t help detesting them right away even they earn more than double than I do. Outwardly and naturally I smiled to laugh it off the remark and drop the subject.

I found 4 indeed hard-working and responsible, but she doesn’t know how to say NO!! She simply cannot refuse orders or reject someone’s requests, even a well-meaning friend’s one!! That’s hard for me to understand. I don’t know what’s in her mind in this respect. The seemingly submissive way she takes requests is hard to grasp. People take advantages of this and show no respect for such sublime quality. It must have something to do with her upbringing, I told myself.

I am reminded of my elder sister. She doesn’t know how to fight for her interest and stand firm, especially in front of my mother. Whatever my mum said was like crushing blows to her. It has been well internalized in her mind like carved commands on marble stones…. I saw the tears in the shadow and angels and demons looming. We all are raised by angels and demons. But I just don’t know enough about 4’s story. I cannot comment too much. All this souls are in fact powerful but sad.

You lack self-confidence! I told 4 flat when we walked along the road. “I knew. My friends told me so long time ago.” 4 said. “You shouldn’t have to! You have so many merits to be proud of. Shake off your mental straps! It is poisoning your life.”

4 is mature and can be trusted. She knows the complexity of life. Why no confidence then? We share some common values and practice such as keeping a polite distance with your boss, having the decency not to speak ill your beloved ones in the office, talk less and listen more, understanding and be considerate, among others. I knew 4 is a great listener, people always ring her up for counseling and solid advice. She is always there.

We laugh hard and long. Crazy hearty laugh is our signature of communication. There is nothing better than a wide wild laugh. It prolongs your life, as the saying goes. When we laugh, actually we knew the tears and hardship behind. That’s why we won’t give a damn about what the others think of our laughing manners.

4 once said, “I don’t believe in God, but I think you are sent by God to serve me!!!” Well, this is a very funny remark and it is better not to say more in case the Lord is listening. I don’t mean to offend HIM but now I tend to see life random, absurd and not so bright as it is in my twenties.

Last time when we dined together, 4 asked me, “What is your upcoming plan?” I answered, “Travelling. At least once a year.” 4 looked a bit disappointed, later she picked up the theme again, “Nothing more?” Nothing. I am curious, but 4 said no more. She is expecting something or something coming out from my mouth. I have nothing to offer. Sadly. 4, what are you thinking? Split it out.

I am impressed to know that 4 creates a writing blog and an album site. Yes, that’s great and something one should be proud of. I can’t even do this. The doing of it is good enough. Where am I wasting my time? We all need to find our ways and ourselves. We have our dreams. Let’s make it real. Let’s make us feel good and proud. That’s the blood of our lives.

I want to do some great projects, not necessarily big in scale, like those people open their own shops etc. (But I don't wanna run shop, shopkeeper is not my thing). I am kind of stuck. I need to write, and want to but I never succeed to write more than 2000 words.....(here slightly more than 1000) I need to do something……I don’t know where my novel begin….I must start. Am I too greedy? Is that too much to ask for?

Then 4 asked me to write some thing about her. I agreed.